self portrait #4, digital photograph
What is a self portrait anyways?
I recently read that you have to have a huge ego in order to even call yourself an artist. I suppose that would mean self portraits are the work of megalomaniacs?
self portrait #5, digital photograph
Self portraits are a very personal thing. It’s like digging under your own skin to see what you can find. The benefit of sharing something so personal is to shuck the ego and get back to that pure place when we were little kids and nobody cared if they were naked and everybody loved to get muddy.
Occasional self-searching is healthy. It helps to stay balanced, assess progress in set goals, and perhaps make adjustments to life on the fly. For me, lately as an artist I’ve been struggling to find my voice. Perhaps its because I’ve only just begun to take myself seriously as an artist after 20+ years of neglect, and I have 20+ years of ideas and concepts to work through. I think my current interest in examining myself through imagery is an effort to find that voice.
self portrait #6, digital photograph
Other artists go through this all the time. I remember reading about Canadian artist John Scott’s self-named “Diane Frankenstein” period during a difficult time in his life back in the 80′s. (See http://www.ccca.ca/c/writing/s/scott-jay/sco001t.html) The phrase and his impact on me has stuck ever since. I turn 44 this year; I’m fighting off feelings of frailty, conjuring images of a chipped & cracked china tea cup for a spine after too many years in construction. As my own mortality creeps up on me, perhaps my fascination with recording self-images is partly a desire to leave as much of myself behind as possible.
But then, maybe it’s better to never get a complete handle on identity- to keep learning and stretching, always finding something new? I suppose it makes sense that as each day passes with new experiences, we become a new person over and over again….
With hopefully more to come, here’s to a new day.
Lend me your thoughts,
artboy68
Well this time I have to comment. This is Nikki. I am Scott’s wife. By default I have been part of this journey if you will. I have always viewed Scott as an artist. In fact, it’s the artist I fell in love with 23 years ago, and it’s the artist I still love. I usually let every soul search run it’s course and I eagerly await new creations. But this time, I was shocked. Imagine my look of horror as I open Scott’s post to discover his self portrait looks like he has a huge belly. At first I was a little miffed. After all, he is actually a very handsome guy with a rather nice long and lean physique. He tells me it just turned out that way, not intentional really. As he said this it got me thinking. Art does imitate life. How often do we make plans in life or assume that we will go in a certain direction and yet, somehow, it all turns out different. Makes me think. Am I ok with different? Am I disappointed with how life has taken me in a different direction than I thought? Sure, at first glance, maybe. But then if I stop, reflect, take it all in, I realize that I would not be half the person I am if I din’t allow life to take me where I dared not plan. So I will continue to tag along on this journey with my sweetie. I will embrace the newness of persons we become knowing that the constant of love will continue to be our guide. Well done my love.
Well said Nikki.. I too looked hard at that first picture but can see that it is just the gaps between arms and torso that are playing that visual trick..
Scott 44 !! you are only a child… ( though I get the bit about the body being weak) keep on keeping on challenging yourself and us..
Enjoy the partnership of a good woman too
Thanks Helen- she really is a good woman! And thanks for saying I’m a child; very sweet. I think that’s the place I’m looking for in my art right now.
That’s a good place to look for.. the childlike rather than the childish
Thanks hon! Words cannot describe the appreciation I feel for you and your willingness to put up with me all these years… at times somewhat of a midway ride, but always an adventure. You are a large part of my inspiration- always! Thanks for believing in me.
Good, thoughtful, deep and true words. I am curious – after your last self portrait drawing, so detailed and clear, these ghost images point to another direction of your compass – thoughts?
Thanks John- I think what I’m after is ‘realism’ in more than just a singular sense; like I’ve been trying too hard to be something I’m not lately, and a lot of what I’ve been doing feels contrived to me. I guess I’m looking for more honesty in my art, and to just be who I am, and to stay vulnerable
Your search sounds familiar – it’s a philosophical paradox that I and many of my artist friends experience on a regular basis. We ask, what is “contrived”, what is “honesty”, what is “vulnerable”? We constantly question our art – this is good, otherwise we stagnate. But what we do is what we do – Your detailed drawings and your ghost photos are simply different aspects of your explorations. Do you consider your ghost photos more honest, more vulnerable? I am excited by your explorations and your explanations…
Thanks John. I think these photos are more a representation of my searching, a little bit frustrated with the ‘trying too hard’ aspect of finding myself as an artist- like looking in the mirror and discovering you’re not who you thought you were. I recently told someone that I was trying to “kick art (my art) in the pants”… whatever that means. To stop looking around the corner to see what others think, and simply be truly honest to myself I guess. My goal is to find a deeper sense of realism in truthfulness. Thanks, I always appreciate your insightful comments!
Very striking, Scott. They draw the viewer right in. What do you think of Gerhard Richter’s grey paintings?
Thanks Adrian! I’ve only seen his work in books or online- I think to really get those paintings I would have to see them in person… his drawings I could get lost in for hours though!
I was lucky enough to see his Tate Modern show in London last summer. Extraordinary. While I was instinctively drawn to his colour canvases, his grey images were particularly mesmerising, rather like your new self-portraits.
Would love to be able to see them!
Scott, beautiful work. I agree with your wise wife. Your journey helps to shape who you become and who you want to be. Looking back occasionally is fine, but it’s what you do today that is significant, at least for me. Bring your angst, experience, generosity, joy, everything you are, to make art that encapsulates your ideas, feelings, longings in a snapshot of a moment. Then move on to the next moment.
I believe an artist is an individual who NEEDS to make art-I have very little judgement about the outcome, it’s about the process, the work that you have to make is the by-product of that process. Striving to make it “better” is alternatively painful and joyful, but inherently necessary. The good news is that this hunger will never leave you and will inform and nourish you for the rest of your live.
Thanks Elena. I’m putting up a sign in my studio that says “DON’T DOUBT YOURSELF”. Lately my thought process has been turning over faster than I can put out work, so by the time I get into a project I’m already moving on to the next moment… As a result I keep having second thoughts about what I’m doing. Does this ever happen to you?
Sure. Try not to second guess yourself. I combat that urge by establishing several projects that I work simultaneously. I also have small projects going like a sketchbook that I allow full experimentation and no real refinements so it’s like giving oneself a pass on judgement in an effort to simply learn.
Thank you for sharing that Elena!- I have always tried to resist starting more than one thing at once, because I felt it was just me procrastinating and losing focus. I think I will just let it fly now & go with the flow… doing so (like with these photos) almost feels like a pressure release valve. Thanks
I like Nikki’s “embrace the newness.” I think you could nudge that a little and translate it to “embrace the result,” meaning: resist the call to perfectionism. I think that attitude will take an artist a lot further than self-analysis. Stay the course, sir!
Thank you Mark!
I’ve got almost a decade on you and I’m still trying to take cute self portraits with my camera, teehee!. A little hair dye, lots of exercise, frequent prayer and good food keeps me going strong. My current self portraits still remind me of the me-I-used-to-be, but I wouldn’t go back for anything. I love the grown-ass-woman I’ve become and she’s still pretty hot! So, take care, love yourself, stand strong and hold on!
Thank you C. Rae! I’m taking your advice- my wife & son (professional fitness trainer) have put me on an exercise regimen to keep me clocking on the miles. If you have almost a decade on me I’d be damn lucky to look as good as you! Bravo!
I’m struck by the vagueness in the images. I’m a watercolourist who turned to digital art some years ago – actually, I often combine the two – and I learnt about light and shadow from digital art, and what I see in these is shadow coming into being with fuzzy light. Looking at that in symbolic terms… would it makes sense that a part of you is struggling to come through but you’re hiding some of it out of fear? Or is that just me interpreting wrongly?
No wrong interpretations here. I was definitely struggling at the time that I made these images. Thanks for your observations.